Both the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts are trying to find ways to remain relevant in today’s world where Animal Husbandry and Beekeeping are locked away in our dusty agrarian national woodshed. These changes are manifesting themselves in new updated badges in such modernist fare as Adventure Sports and Aromatherapy.
However, some hard-liners maintain this iScout movement is just letting the terrorists win. This ultra-conservative underground splinter group has leaked word of the proposed modern scouting awards that are under consideration – leaked mainly by being forgetful 14-year-old fundamentalist radicals who left the new manuals on their school bus.
Below are some of the prototypes.
1. Body adornment. Scouts will be required to learn the history of human “art of the self,” from plate lips and extending neck rings to nipple piercing and henna tattoos. Proof of decorative refinements must be shown in at least 3 personal body beautification techniques, all from accredited BSA/GSA tattoo parlors or piercing salons.
2. Histrionic Sports. Requirements for this badge include developing short and long term personal marketing plans for optimum contract-year exposure, alignment with the proper corporate brands, media doublespeak and “undetermined injury” disclosure. Demonstration of the right “posse” is necessary. The scout must also identify a list of local charities for donation of game-used equipment and occasional photo-ops, or may instead opt to establish one in the scout’s own name.
3. Latteography. Using sales territories, distribution channels, marketing coverage data, and compasses, scouts will map existing Starbucks locations and areas for grande development. Field trips will include possible Jamboree in Seattle or Colombia.
4. Homeland First Citizenship. The badge is compulsory for full Eagle Scout recognition. Scrutinizing FBI files and INS records will be two key requirements for this medal. Building upon their Snitch Award and “Path of Stalker” skills, scouts will also keep a detailed journal of their family’s and neighbors’ daily routines and associations. Remember – everyone loves a tattletale!
5. Scoutster. Today’s Virtual Scout must show appropriate use of emoticons, password maintenance and flash animation. A minimum of 50 MySpace friends must be maintained and page must be kept properly groomed. Must pass Online Splg Tst. YouTube submissions must have no fewer than three (3) pop culture references from the 1980s to be considered campworthy.
6. Pop Iconization. Candidates for this badge must demonstrate knowledge of Rap, Hip-Hop, Trip-Hop, House, and and Bop Pop. In-depth biographies of American Idol contestants increase point total and lifespan of award. Scouts are encouraged to work with a “buddy” to develop properly sync’d dance moves, yo. Proper ab development mandatory, public singing is optional. Additional levels of award are achieved with each 30 day rehab sleepover attended.
7. Cellulareering. This badge will cover a mastery of handheld technology such as Smartphones, Blackberries, and Pocket PCs, along with such traditional interface tools as the keyboard, mouse, and joystick. Scouts must demonstrate the ability to send simple text messages such as “SOS – we’re 3.5 kilometers from Starbucks 1455 and they’re out of Venti cups – LOL.” Prerequisite for this award is the “Order of the GPS” pin.
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